"So, How are you?"

My Dear Friends,

I’m writing because, first of all I find writing to be therapeutic, and secondly because I know that everyone is wondering how I’m doing, but are just not sure how or when to ask. I can see the questions burning in some of your eyes, but the fear on your face tells me you don't want to cause more pain. I don't know how often I'll update, but I have a few topics I want to have documented, even if no one reads them but me.

People are always asking, “So, how are you?” The truth is, there are good days and there are bad days. But mostly, there are mixtures of good days filled with painful moments and those moments can come unexpectedly. When you go through a tragedy you don’t know how you’re going to react, and then adapt to it. People always say “you’re so strong, I could never do what you’re doing.” You know what? I didn’t know this is how I’d handle it either. You never know how you’re going to handle a situation until you’re faced with it. But God promises He is close to the broken hearted. Psalms 34:18. You want to know the truth? He is. I can feel it. 
So, I’m doing the best I can, and leaning on God, my husband, my family, friends, and church family.  Imagine a computer browser open with 10 active tabs. My mind jumps from browser to browser all the time. One of those open browsers is the two days we were in the hospital to have Josiah. It’s like it is permanently seared in my mind, and when my mind is on that tab, even if it just skims over it, parts of our experience plays over and over in my mind like a movie and I can’t shut it off. Anything can be a trigger, and those triggers can be completely unexpected.  In June I wrote a message to one of my bestest friends to explain why I couldn’t come to her baby shower. I’ll share part of it here as the words explain how I feel.

~

--I can’t even begin to describe to you the amount of LOVE you feel when you become a parent. You think you know how much you’re going to love your child, but then the day comes you actually meet them… you can NEVER prepare for the feeling of how much LOVE comes exploding out of your heart and in an instant you change. You would do anything for your child to give them what they need, to keep them safe and healthy. If you think you love your baby now, just wait until they’re in your arms… you won’t be able to believe how much you love them then. And then, they grow, they develop personalities, they smile at you, they hug you and then one day they look up at you and say “I love you Momma” and all that love you had  the day you met grows more than you could've imagined. The love you have for your child grows more with each day and you can’t ever prepare for it.

When we lost Josiah, we lost all of those moments. We are never going to see him smile, hear his cry, or watch him become best friends with his big brother.  We have found peace and comfort in knowing that Josiah is in the arms of Jesus… that he never felt pain. All he knew growing inside of me was pure love and for that we are so comforted. It’s so hard to hear people tell me, “you’re handling this so well” when I feel like I’m falling apart on the inside.  When Josiah died, a part of me went with him and right now the hole is painfully raw.  I know everyone says “time heals”, but in my heart I know I’ll never fully “heal” -- the scar of this hole will always remain.  

There are days where I’m doing just fine, but then moments come in waves and I have to breakdown. Sometimes those moments come unexpectedly, even when I think I’ll be okay doing something, it turns out I’m not. A few days ago I went to a going away party for a good friend. It was going to be the first time I’d see many of my coworkers/friends since we lost Josiah so I was anxious. But, I wasn’t prepared for how I’d feel when I saw the ones who brought their babies, were pregnant or even the one that nursed her child. Don’t get me wrong… it’s not that I’m not happy for them, I am. But seeing those things brought up all the raw pain. Seeing those babies smile made me remember.. I’m never going to see Josiah smile. Seeing the pregnant bellies made me long to feel Josiah kick or flip just one more time. Hearing the mothers complain about being uncomfortable and “ready to be done” almost made me upset… don’t they realize they are the vessel God chose to grow this beautiful child? God never promised everything would be easy, but He did promise it would be worth it. Watching the mother nurse her child made me remember how much I LOVED and ENJOYED nursing Jonah and made me long for that connection I’d never get to share with Josiah. I was falling apart inside, my heart was aching and my soul was weeping… but on the outside I had to hold it together. No one knew that was how I was feeling, nor did I want them to in that moment… I was there for my friend, not for me. ---
~

My daily struggle is really just missing my son. I look at Jonah and some days my heart just aches because one of my children isn't here. We had so many plans. I find myself thinking some days, "I should be holding Josiah while Jonah's playing over there". The first few car trips we took this summer I felt like I shouldn't be able to sit in the backseat next to Jonah, because that was supposed to be Josiah's seat. In just these 3 short months, I’ve had around 10 friends have babies. I’m so happy for all of them to have healthy children, but you know what else? Seeing their pictures on Facebook and Instagram breaks my tender healing heart. Not because I’m not happy for them, but because every time I look at those babies, I’m reminded of my sweet Josiah, and the pain is just too raw. So, friends, forgive me if I haven’t “liked” your photos, as it’s very likely I haven’t seen them. In trying to heal and protect my heart, I’ve unfollowed many who have just had babies. Think about when you get a terrible sunburn, it really hurts! How do you make the pain ease up? You avoid the sun or put on a protective layer until it's healed.  That's what I've had to do with Social Media... avoid and put up protective barriers. On Josiah's 3 month-iversary I found myself thinking about how much fun Jonah was at that age. I'll never forget - it was Christmas time and he was smiling, giggling and starting to babble at us! We have a very treasured video of him "talking" to me with big smiles. My heart just aches, because I don't get to see Josiah grow and meet those milestones. So, at this point in time, I just can't emotionally handle seeing babies who are so close to Josiah's age. Forgive me.

 I can tell you, though, I’m still me. I still need my friends. I still need normal conversations and I still want to know how you’re doing. I can still be happy and find joy in the good things going on in your lives. I want you all to know, I welcome your phone calls, texts, and messages. Don’t ever be worried about talking to me or saying the wrong things, because sometimes there aren’t even words. It’s okay if you cry when you talk to me, or if something you say makes me cry, because it’s okay to cry about this tragedy. Bringing up Josiah doesn't make me remember that he died, it makes me know that you haven't forgotten him and that means so very much. Most importantly, nothing you can say or do will ever be worse than what I’ve already gone through.

The gaping hole in my heart I have from losing Josiah is still so painfully raw. So, bear with me as I heal. Some days are better than others, and tough moments come crashing over me like unexpected waves - sometimes I can swim through them and other times, they pull me under and I just need to take a moment to catch my breath. Josiah has touched so many lives in his short, but perfect little life and I’m so very proud of him.

Being the mother of an angel is never a title I desired to possess and the journey of grief is one I wish I wasn’t traveling but it is because of the grace of God, and people like you I can face each day.
Believe it or not, I find many reasons to be joyful every day. I make it a point to smile and laugh, because life is WORTH living, and my light needs to shine bright to give God the glory He deserves even if its in the midst of a storm. 

Thank you for your continued support and prayers, it truly means more than you may ever know.  

 

 I find music to be extremely therapeutic. This was my repeat song at the beginning of my grief journey. Also, the verse posted at the beginning has gotten me through many of the darkest hours, knowing that this pain is only temporary, because we'll be united again in Heaven, and what a glorious day it will be!