Our Newest Miracle's Name!!

He's here! He's here! Some of you may be interested in how we have chosen his name, so I decided I'd write out the story. This name, while received in a different way than the way we were given Micah, is in it's unique way such a beautiful testament on just how faithful God is. I'm thankful for the eyes to see it this way.  

If you know anything about my writing/story telling, it's that I feel the details of the story are equally as important to the simple answer. So, while my message may get a little long,  I promise it's worth the read. 

We wrapped up 2018 looking to leave Dan's cancer diagnosis behind us and hoping to bring more health and joy, specifically in the form of another child into our lives in 2019.  We were told by all of Dan's specialists we needed to wait, (something we were getting sick of hearing) until at least February to begin trying for another child. We decided that would fit perfectly into "our plans". But, when February came and went without a new baby on the way, I was left questioning what was wrong.  One morning, Google gave me another notification titled something like "memories" as it does occasionally. I clicked on it and was shown either a video or a picture of Jonah and Micah with the neighbor boy (who is 4 years older than Jonah) playing with a frog they found in the yard. I heard God whisper to my heart, "This is what I have for  your future."  I felt Him telling me that I was going to have another son, but not for another year.  (So my children here on Earth are 4 years apart). You know what I did? I yelled at God. "NOOOO! I cried out. I'm sick of waiting, I don't want to accept this!"  Not my proudest moment.  Instead of sitting with what I felt God speak to me and praying over it, I immediately went to work trying to figure out my ovulation schedule. While I was busy doing that, God was busy planning on how to correct my ways and bring me back to obedience. 

March 2019 was a month filled with Holy Spirit encounters, I can't remember which came first, but I think it was the Matt Maher concert at our church. It was a night filled with praise and worship, but also a night I felt a shift in my spirit. The artist who opened for Matt was a guy we'd never heard of, John Tibbs. One of his final songs he said he wanted to just sing over us as a blessing. It was beautiful. I was captivated, and soon he was inviting us to sing along.  As we sang the words  together, " What a Shepherd, ever keeping me oh, ever leading me and I will follow"  I felt my spirit change, almost like a full surrender and peace fell all over me.  About a week or two after that concert I had a very strange encounter with a psychic medium.  I had a friend who kept talking about this psychic medium she'd gone to see and that this woman had given her so much peace, she encouraged me to see her too.  My whole life I'd been taught NOT to dabble around in that stuff as it came from the devil, but for some reason, I was interested in learning more about this person. I'd done some research on her website and even driven by her home to scope it out. Then, one night while I was at work this woman showed up to visit my patient!! I can't even make this up.  I began texting my friend to let her know how weird it was that this woman she'd been telling me about was now literally in my presence.  Before the woman left that evening, she stopped at the nurses station to tell me she was leaving and to make sure I had her number incase I needed to call her about the patient she came to see. That's when I said to her "I know this will sound weird, but I've had someone telling me that I should come see you and now you're here. I don't believe in coincidence, so I just wanted to tell you."  The woman smiled back at me and said, "I don't believe in coincidence either." As I got up to walk into my patient's room and walked with this woman down the hallway, I told her goodnight. She turned, smiled at me and said "I'm sure I'll see you again."  The next day, I just couldn't shake this encounter. I was mostly just searching for wisdom and discernment on what to do. Usually, I'd ask my dad about it, but it just so happened he was out of the state for work. My mom gave me some great scripture references and I prayed about it as I was getting ready for work that evening.  While I prayed, I was asking God "What should I do? Are these signs from you?" Then the memory of the woman flashed in my head as she walked away from me the previous evening as she told me she'd see me again. This time,  her eyes were dark -- basically black and soulless - the only way I could describe it. I immediately knew, God was telling me this woman was NOT from Him. I actually then became overwhelmed because I knew I'd see her again that evening. Ephesians 6:10-18 talks about putting on the whole armor of God because there is a spiritual battle going on all around around us. I read that passage over and over and put on praise and worship music as I drove to work.  Then I prayed, "Lord, protect me from this woman if she is not from you. Armor me up with the Holy Spirit and give me the words to say to her."  As I walked into the patient's room where this woman was with the off going nurse to do bedside report, the woman said nothing. Her head was down. As we left the room to go to the next, the woman slipped out and didn't even say goodbye. Later when she called to check in, another nurse answered the phone and gave an update she was satisfied with so I never had to talk with her all night. I fully believe I was in the middle of a spiritual battle there, and I got to first hand witness how God WINS when we call on Him! 

April 5th, 2019 was another day filled with God's abundant mercy and grace. I woke up with severe abdominal pain during the middle of the night. It hurt so bad I couldn't lay, sit or even stand. I was pacing my room in tears.  Dan woke up and tried to comfort me. I actually was attributing the pain to gas from some new vitamins I'd been taking. Nurses are the worst patients! Eventually the pain subsided and I was able to fall back asleep before my alarm woke me up for my 12 hour shift in the morning.  I went to work and was doing fine for the first hour or so, and then suddenly the pain came back. It hurt so bad, I had broken out in a sweat and I couldn't sit still.  My co workers became worried about me. I explained the pain and they encouraged me to go home to rest. I told them "If I'm sick enough not to be at work, I should at least be seen by the doctor."  I made myself a clinic appointment and hobbled down to be checked out. After seeing the MD, she was thinking either gallbladder, ovarian cyst, or an ectopic pregnancy. She sent me to lab for a urine pregnancy test (since it was too soon for me to have known I was pregnant) and then I checked into wait for my CT scan. By now, I decided it was probably a good time to let Dan know I wasn't feeling well and was being checked out.  (Seriously, nurses are terrible patients, we've always seen worse) As I was waiting, the receptionist called me over to the desk and said the doctor was on the phone for me. I began to panic. She told me my pregnancy test was positive, so CT scan was out, now I needed an ultrasound. I felt a ton a bricks drop in my stomach as I wasn't expecting this news and I knew something was seriously wrong. I immediately called Dan, knowing now that this was a much bigger issue than an inflamed gallbladder. I must've scared him, because he left work and was by my side within 15 minutes. While I was in for the ultrasound, we heard a knock on the door and a sense of peace fell over me as my OB doctor came to be with us for this ultrasound. It was really painful, but he explained there was " a lot of free fluid, likely a ruptured ectopic pregnancy" as there was no viable baby in my uterus. He explained I would need to go immediately to surgery, and they would laparoscopically clean out the blood. I was so upset. I got up to go to the bathroom and Dan followed. Good thing he did, because I passed out in his arms. The next thing I remember is waking up on the bathroom floor surrounded by nurses and doctors. I asked where Dan was, he was holding me up... white as a ghost because he thought I had just died in his arms. I was now considered unstable, in hypovolemic shock. I'd been likely bleeding into by abdomen for the last several hours. I couldn't even stand up. I was rushed away to the emergency room and prepped for surgery.  It has never been lost on me that I could have, and should have died that day.

 I was so. Damn. stubborn. I just “happened” to be at work, with very concerned coworkers who urged me to go to the clinic. I had severe stomach cramps and was doubling over, breaking out in a sweat from the pain. If I had been at home, I would have laid down on the couch to rest. I don’t think I would have gone in. I know God knew that. So, He had me at work, surrounded by some of the most talented physicians, nurses and emergency staff I could have hoped for. God used those people to save me. I think oftentimes, when bad things happen, we look around and ask why God allows it. I don’t know why, but I do know that we live in a broken world with a God who still cares. He saved my life that day. There is obviously more to my mission here on Earth. I really struggled with this in the beginning. I cried out to God asking why.  Why did I have to be here in this spot again? I was physically recovering from a major abdominal surgery, and had lost another baby. Although the circumstance was vastly different, the feelings were all too familiar and literally gut wrenching to experience all over again after just four short years. Post traumatic stress responses are real. I have experienced them first hand. 

Just about a week or 2 after my emergent surgery, I was overcome with a terrible pain in my right flank area. I was convinced it was a hematoma from the trauma of surgery, so my doctor ordered a CT scan to check it out. It turned out, I actually had "several" kidney stones and something called ureteroceles on both sides. He had to refer me on to a urologist for this issue. This started the beginning of several months back and forth for investigation and monitoring of my kidney stone disease. The biggest problem the urologist noted was that the ureteroceles (which I've apparently had since birth) is that they were partially obstructing my stones, thus making it dangerous to pass a stone if one got too big, because it could get stuck.  At the beginning of all of this,  I was asking why. I quickly decided that this was a dangerous place to live, so  I shifted my focus from “why is God allowing this to happen TO me” to “What is God doing FOR me”.  I remember vividly listening to a song, literally on repeat until I broke down and cried it out in prayer …  

I don't know the reason why You brought me here.

 But just because You love me the way that You do

 I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to

 'Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step

 And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet

So if all of these trials bring me closer to You 

Then I will go through the fire if You want me to

When I prayed that song as my prayer, I felt a spirit of heaviness leave and a spirit of peace settle in. As much as I wanted to be, I was not in control. I fully submitted to God and His plan. I told him I was sorry for trying to do it on my own. I told Him, I was willing to walk through the fire, if He wanted me to and asked for His forgiveness. 

Dan and I had obviously decided we were going to put having another baby on hold, until we had some answers about my kidneys.  Right after my ectopic pregnancy, Dan and I had a very deep conversation about having another baby and confronted very real fears. I felt during that conversation, much of what I said to Dan came directly from the Holy Spirit-- many things I wouldn't have been able to articulate on my own. They were strong reasons for why we should have another child. 

However, many hours spent in the car, many times alone to and from doctor appointments over the summer left me alone with my thoughts and God. I began to think, what if the reason I wanted another baby after Micah was God's way of showing me that I had this kidney disorder? Maybe this was His way? I still couldn't shake it. So, I prayed, "God, if the desire to have another baby isn't from you, will you take the desire away?" 

And He did, for awhile. He shifted my focus on running for clean water for kids in Africa and investing time and energy into taking care of my own health. I ran my first 10K in October that year!  We closed out 2019 learning that essentially my kidneys are working just fine, despite their anomaly and any type of surgical intervention had the very high likelihood of creating bigger problems. I was essentially told by top specialists at Mayo Clinic, live your life! Follow up with us as needed. By the time 2020 came, the desire for another baby was bubbling back to the surface. We knew now that the odds were stacked against us, but we moved forward with trying for another baby... but no baby was coming. Then, BAM we get hit with a pandemic. The world around us was filled with FEAR and unknowns. Since I work in healthcare, we stopped trying for a month. We began wondering if it would be too dangerous to be pregnant during this time? God does some of His best work when you're afraid and you LEAN IN. 

Back in the days where people still went to church in person, we did a sermon series called “Christian Half Truths” where we talked about some of the more cliché lines Christians tend to feed people who are going through hard times. One of them being “God won’t give you more than you can handle.”  

I've heard this line a few times from well intending people over the last 5 years. It never settled right with me, I just didn’t have the words to explain why. As it turns out, God actually does give you more than you can handle. He does this so you have no other choice, but to lean in and rely on Him to get you through.  One of my favorite passages is Romans 5:3-5. It says  “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our 0hearts with his love.” 

While I know God doesn’t cause bad things to happen to us, He does bring beauty from ashes.  I don’t think I could tell you how many times I’ve heard people say “You’re so strong.” or “I don’t know how you handle everything”  The truth is, I don’t know how anyone could handle losing a child, their husband having cancer, or survive a ruptured ectopic pregnancy in a span of 4 years on their own . It was God who carried me through losing Josiah, God who led me to feel thankful during Dan’s cancer, and God who placed me exactly where I was supposed to be to survive that ruptured pregnancy.  

Which leads me to the whole point of this post. Our baby's NAME! June 2020 was the month we found out there was another precious babe on the way!! We were both terrified and excited.  

Pandemic 2020 meant our kids had to do their annual Vacation Bible School at home. It was an August morning, I was at work and Dan was home doing the kid's lesson with them. I recieved this text message from him: 

"Micah's video lesson said to have the Bible open and have it out during the lesson. This is the page I randomly  open to. I went to help Jonah with his lesson, came back and Micah had made a small mark on the page when he was writing in his Bible journal next to this verse: Isaiah 38:7 "NOW I WILL PROVE TO YOU THAT I WILL KEEP MY PROMISE." I believe God is giving us a happy, healthy baby boy that we will name Isaiah!"  

I knew it in that moment, He was right. God had told me the year before we would have 3 boys, 4 years a part on Earth. I smiled ear to ear all day thanking God for his Faithfulness and promising, not only to name our 4th son Isaiah, but to also share my testimony.  It not to be said that I sailed through this pregnancy without fears and doubts. Actually, this pregnancy was much harder emotionally on me than Micah's.  For so long, I was afraid to be happy because I was fearful to lose this baby too. Then, as He tends to do, God spoke to me through a song on the radio: 

I'm changed by Your mercy
Covered by Your peace
I'm living out the victory
Doesn't mean I won't feel the heat 

You've walked me through fires
Pulled me from flames
If You're in this with me
I won't be afraid
When the smoke billows higher, oh and higher
And it feels like I can barely breathe
I'll walk through these fires
'Cause You're walking with me

Welcome to this world Isaiah Jude!! God knew how much we needed you and He has HUGE things in store for you!!