His name!
Many of you have known that I knew our third child was going to be a boy long before we were even pregnant, and I'm so excited to finally share with you how he got his name. The story is a little, long, but I promise it's worth it.
After we lost Josiah, we were in a whirl wind of emotions. We had so many questions. It's amazing actually to look back and see God's hand at work in our story. I was adamant on having a VBAC with Josiah. I mean seriously, adamant. There was a day shortly after we came home from the hospital we were sitting on the deck talking with our parents about "why". Why did this happen? Why didn't we have a cause? I finally let it out, "Why did I want to have a VBAC so badly? If I'd only had a c section would Josiah be here with us?" Then my mom said something that I can still hear so clearly today, "Amanda, don't you think that no matter how you had Josiah, this was God's plan?" I could immediately feel the guilt slip away as the peace that settled in my heart made me realize there is no way I could have prevented this. I was not responsible and yes, God is in control. His plans are far greater than ours, and we don't always get to understand why.
Fast forward a few more days, maybe a week even I really couldn't tell you because everything really was just blurred together I received a phone call from my doctor saying he had some important results to share with me. My heart sank, and I didn't even think it was capable of sinking further into my stomach than it already was. He explained that the test results were in from the placenta, and it showed Erythroblastosis. What?!? My head was spinning, did we have a cause? My doctor explained that basically Josiah didn't have enough healthy red blood cells to carry oxygen throughout his body. But he was at a complete loss at how that happened, he said normally you see this in mothers whose blood type is Rh negative, but mine was Rh positive. He said it was something he couldn't explain, and thought it would be best if we went to see a genetic counselor and a perinatologist. To say we were scared was an understatement. We spent the next month wondering, was Jonah our only miracle? Would we have something genetically wrong that would prevent us from having more healthy children? We were scared, and grieving. We leaned on God like no other time in our lives, and he gave us hope and light. Light in the most darkest hours of our lives, so we decided to follow the path he had illuminated for us.
July 22, 2015 - The day we had scheduled to have our appointment with the specialists. Our hearts were racing and our mouths were dry as Dan and I drove for what seemed like forever to the cities. We were scared, but we kept reminding each other, nothing could be worse than what we'd already faced, and together with God, we could face this day too. We first meet with the genetic counselor who pulled up a big chart on his computer and began asking a series of questions, mostly about our family history. Then he reviewed the ultrasound we had done of Josiah on May 4th, to see his position and estimated weight. He said, there were no "Hydrops" which was good. He explained it basically meant there was no extra fluid around Josiah or in his body. That's usually an indicator of erythroblastosis. He concluded his portion of our meeting with, "I can't find any reason why you would have a stillborn baby." We felt a bit relieved, but had to meet with the Perinatologist next. They escorted us to a little waiting area and soon a very friendly nurse came to get us. She brought us to an exam room and checked my vitals and was very sweet. She gave us suggestions on where we could go for lunch when we left. It was helpful to have a "normal" conversation on such a nerve racking day. Shortly after the nurse left, Dr. Thorson came in. She was one of the most compassionate and well spoken people I'd encountered. She sat down next to me, and gently asked how I was doing, and not just in a polite way. It was a genuine concern. She quietly listened to me and then picked up a large stack of papers. There were little post-its and flags on many of the pages, it reminded me of my college text books. She said, "I know nothing I'm going to tell you today will bring back your son, and I'm so very sorry for you. But I've been doing research on what may have caused the erythroblastosis" as she pointed to her large stack of papers " unfortunately, you are falling in to the less than 1% category of unexplained cause." She said every lead she thought she had was ruled out by my medical history. She so gently explained she was certain that Josiah never suffered and that his heart just simply stopped. I realized in that moment, she was telling me what I already knew. There didn't have to be a cause. This was God's plan from the beginning, but hearing form the specialist that we did everything we should have, and that we didn't miss anything really put our hearts at peace. That day was so very healing, in more ways than one. We got to our car, the sun was shining and as we drove across the I 35 bridge Something Beautiful by Steven Curtis Chapman came on the radio. If you haven't heard it, I encourage you to click and listen.
And God’s says
I’m gonna turn it into something different
I’m gonna turn it into something good
I’m gonna take all the broken pieces
And make something beautiful like only I could
So put it all in the hands of the Father
Give it up, give it all over to
The only one who can turn it into
After we lost Josiah, we were in a whirl wind of emotions. We had so many questions. It's amazing actually to look back and see God's hand at work in our story. I was adamant on having a VBAC with Josiah. I mean seriously, adamant. There was a day shortly after we came home from the hospital we were sitting on the deck talking with our parents about "why". Why did this happen? Why didn't we have a cause? I finally let it out, "Why did I want to have a VBAC so badly? If I'd only had a c section would Josiah be here with us?" Then my mom said something that I can still hear so clearly today, "Amanda, don't you think that no matter how you had Josiah, this was God's plan?" I could immediately feel the guilt slip away as the peace that settled in my heart made me realize there is no way I could have prevented this. I was not responsible and yes, God is in control. His plans are far greater than ours, and we don't always get to understand why.
Fast forward a few more days, maybe a week even I really couldn't tell you because everything really was just blurred together I received a phone call from my doctor saying he had some important results to share with me. My heart sank, and I didn't even think it was capable of sinking further into my stomach than it already was. He explained that the test results were in from the placenta, and it showed Erythroblastosis. What?!? My head was spinning, did we have a cause? My doctor explained that basically Josiah didn't have enough healthy red blood cells to carry oxygen throughout his body. But he was at a complete loss at how that happened, he said normally you see this in mothers whose blood type is Rh negative, but mine was Rh positive. He said it was something he couldn't explain, and thought it would be best if we went to see a genetic counselor and a perinatologist. To say we were scared was an understatement. We spent the next month wondering, was Jonah our only miracle? Would we have something genetically wrong that would prevent us from having more healthy children? We were scared, and grieving. We leaned on God like no other time in our lives, and he gave us hope and light. Light in the most darkest hours of our lives, so we decided to follow the path he had illuminated for us.
July 22, 2015 - The day we had scheduled to have our appointment with the specialists. Our hearts were racing and our mouths were dry as Dan and I drove for what seemed like forever to the cities. We were scared, but we kept reminding each other, nothing could be worse than what we'd already faced, and together with God, we could face this day too. We first meet with the genetic counselor who pulled up a big chart on his computer and began asking a series of questions, mostly about our family history. Then he reviewed the ultrasound we had done of Josiah on May 4th, to see his position and estimated weight. He said, there were no "Hydrops" which was good. He explained it basically meant there was no extra fluid around Josiah or in his body. That's usually an indicator of erythroblastosis. He concluded his portion of our meeting with, "I can't find any reason why you would have a stillborn baby." We felt a bit relieved, but had to meet with the Perinatologist next. They escorted us to a little waiting area and soon a very friendly nurse came to get us. She brought us to an exam room and checked my vitals and was very sweet. She gave us suggestions on where we could go for lunch when we left. It was helpful to have a "normal" conversation on such a nerve racking day. Shortly after the nurse left, Dr. Thorson came in. She was one of the most compassionate and well spoken people I'd encountered. She sat down next to me, and gently asked how I was doing, and not just in a polite way. It was a genuine concern. She quietly listened to me and then picked up a large stack of papers. There were little post-its and flags on many of the pages, it reminded me of my college text books. She said, "I know nothing I'm going to tell you today will bring back your son, and I'm so very sorry for you. But I've been doing research on what may have caused the erythroblastosis" as she pointed to her large stack of papers " unfortunately, you are falling in to the less than 1% category of unexplained cause." She said every lead she thought she had was ruled out by my medical history. She so gently explained she was certain that Josiah never suffered and that his heart just simply stopped. I realized in that moment, she was telling me what I already knew. There didn't have to be a cause. This was God's plan from the beginning, but hearing form the specialist that we did everything we should have, and that we didn't miss anything really put our hearts at peace. That day was so very healing, in more ways than one. We got to our car, the sun was shining and as we drove across the I 35 bridge Something Beautiful by Steven Curtis Chapman came on the radio. If you haven't heard it, I encourage you to click and listen.
And God’s says
I’m gonna turn it into something different
I’m gonna turn it into something good
I’m gonna take all the broken pieces
And make something beautiful like only I could
So put it all in the hands of the Father
Give it up, give it all over to
The only one who can turn it into
Something beautiful
Something really beautiful
I could feel God speaking to me through this song. It was a really really healing day, something we desperately needed after 2 months of wondering.
About a week later I was cleaning up after supper and God showed me something that would stir up my soul. I pushed Jonah's highchair back into the corner of the dining room where it always went and for some reason, his baptism picture caught my eye. As I looked, really looked at the plaque our church had given to us as a gift, my eye was drawn to his life verse. "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart." - Jeremiah 1:15. Then I looked up, "Jonah Daniel, baptized in the Lord May 19, 2013" Talk about a moment where your legs turn to jello and you heart drops to your stomach. What did this mean? I knew God was trying to tell me something. I could barely get out the words as I called for Dan to come see what I was seeing. In all our grief, we'd never even realized that Josiah's birthday was Jonah's baptism day just 2 years earlier. All night I was mulling it over and over in my mind. What was God trying to tell me?
That night I laid down with Jonah. We said our nightly prayers and sang Jesus Loves Me and he slowly drifted off to sleep. I was in the dark, gently stroking his hair praying "God, show me. What is it that's so significant about May 19th?" Then I remembered Jonah's life verse "I set you apart". I got up, when into our room and opened the Bible. I know the answer is here God. I eagerly flipped to the book of Jonah. My heart was racing. This has to be it. God's going to show me... I began thumbing through to find Jonah 5:19. I got to Jonah chapter 4 and flipped the page.
The Book of Micah.
Then, almost as clear as day I heard God whisper "Micah comes after Jonah on Earth." You see, there are only 4 chapters in the book of Jonah. Don't laugh. I honestly didn't know. But, God knew. He knew what to do to get me curious, to get me to listen. He was there to give me hope. He was there to be my light. You see, during this time, I wasn't thinking about more children, I was thinking about the son I lost, not about more to come. But God knew what I needed for comfort and He provided. I knew I had to keep this to myself. I had to wait for the right time to share it with Dan, so I held on to it for a long time. Then, this year when we found out we were expecting, we already knew. We knew we were having another son and we knew his name. When I was pregnant with Josiah, I used to practice signing our name as a family for Christmas cards. I remember thinking how we'd like to have 3 children, but couldn't imagine a third name. I remember thinking that God will give me the name when the time it right. God's timing is always right, even when we don't feel like it is. He has a greater purpose for all of us. While we are missing our angel, and know that no other child will ever replace him we rejoice that God has blessed us with another child.
Welcome to this world Micah Titus. God has great plans ahead for you!
Something really beautiful
I could feel God speaking to me through this song. It was a really really healing day, something we desperately needed after 2 months of wondering.
About a week later I was cleaning up after supper and God showed me something that would stir up my soul. I pushed Jonah's highchair back into the corner of the dining room where it always went and for some reason, his baptism picture caught my eye. As I looked, really looked at the plaque our church had given to us as a gift, my eye was drawn to his life verse. "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart." - Jeremiah 1:15. Then I looked up, "Jonah Daniel, baptized in the Lord May 19, 2013" Talk about a moment where your legs turn to jello and you heart drops to your stomach. What did this mean? I knew God was trying to tell me something. I could barely get out the words as I called for Dan to come see what I was seeing. In all our grief, we'd never even realized that Josiah's birthday was Jonah's baptism day just 2 years earlier. All night I was mulling it over and over in my mind. What was God trying to tell me?
That night I laid down with Jonah. We said our nightly prayers and sang Jesus Loves Me and he slowly drifted off to sleep. I was in the dark, gently stroking his hair praying "God, show me. What is it that's so significant about May 19th?" Then I remembered Jonah's life verse "I set you apart". I got up, when into our room and opened the Bible. I know the answer is here God. I eagerly flipped to the book of Jonah. My heart was racing. This has to be it. God's going to show me... I began thumbing through to find Jonah 5:19. I got to Jonah chapter 4 and flipped the page.
The Book of Micah.
Then, almost as clear as day I heard God whisper "Micah comes after Jonah on Earth." You see, there are only 4 chapters in the book of Jonah. Don't laugh. I honestly didn't know. But, God knew. He knew what to do to get me curious, to get me to listen. He was there to give me hope. He was there to be my light. You see, during this time, I wasn't thinking about more children, I was thinking about the son I lost, not about more to come. But God knew what I needed for comfort and He provided. I knew I had to keep this to myself. I had to wait for the right time to share it with Dan, so I held on to it for a long time. Then, this year when we found out we were expecting, we already knew. We knew we were having another son and we knew his name. When I was pregnant with Josiah, I used to practice signing our name as a family for Christmas cards. I remember thinking how we'd like to have 3 children, but couldn't imagine a third name. I remember thinking that God will give me the name when the time it right. God's timing is always right, even when we don't feel like it is. He has a greater purpose for all of us. While we are missing our angel, and know that no other child will ever replace him we rejoice that God has blessed us with another child.
Welcome to this world Micah Titus. God has great plans ahead for you!
You are so loved! I'm so glad your heart is so open to God, so ready and able to hear Him, so faithful to rely on Him to bring you comfort and joy! You little miracle is beautiful, so happy for you and your family!
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