Six Months in Heaven

I know... it's been over a month since I've posted anything. Trust me, it's not because I'm not thinking about it... I have about 5 more titles drafted in my dashboard. I just need to be in the right mindset to write and if I am, I need to find enough time to get my thoughts out.  But today, November 19th marks 6 months since we got to hold Josiah, kiss him and tell him we loved him. Half a year. How is that possible? When you experience the the deep loss of a child, time seems to stand still where you are... but somehow the world around you continues to press on at high speeds. If Josiah were here, I'm sure I'd be saying something similar, like... time slow down. He'd likely be sitting up and smiling at his big brother, talking that adorable baby speak that only they would understand. I'd be busy making baby food in preparation of him eating his first "real" meal.  Instead, we finally folded up the high chair that Jonah has sat in and put it in the garage because we don't need it anymore. I continue each day with hope, trusting in God's promises and knowing that He had a purpose for Josiah's life and for ours.

You know how there are moments in time when somebody says something to you and it's like your brain takes a video clip of that moment without you realizing it? I had one of those moments while we were planning Josiah's prayer service. We were sitting at the funeral home and the florist came in to help us pick some flowers to honor our beautiful boy. She was so kind, loving and helpful. She told us she had lost a baby too. The moment that plays in my mind is when she got up to leave she said "Hang in there. You'll get through this. For me, the toughest part was 6 months after. I think that's when it finally sank in"  And now, here I am 6 months later. Trust me, while the reality has more than sunken in... I some how now, understand what she meant. You have so much support at the beginning.. everyone is reaching out, helping in any way they can and you don't really feel like you're alone. But then, life moves forward and those cards we were receiving daily in the mail slowed to a halt, the phone calls and texts slowed down, and people continue with life, and just as they should. We have continued with our lives too, but just not in the same way.  Josiah's life and death have taught me about what's the most important thing in life... living the life that God has designed me to live even if it means pushing me out of my comfort zone. Josiah taught me what it truly means to lean on God and fully give my life to Him. I thought I had done that years ago... and I did, but what I'm finding now is I'm talking to God more like He's right here with me and not just praying when I need something. I'm remembering to thank him for all that I have, instead of asking Him for more. Proverbs 16:9 "We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." I've learned that some of the things I thought were the most important really are so trivial in the big picture. 

Last week, I took Jonah on a special Mommy and Me day. I wanted to spend the entire day doing something fun with him as I'd be working 12 hour shifts all weekend and wouldn't see him much. Dan was at work and it was cold outside.  We had a wonderful day! We played at the Children's museum all morning and then had a very fun lunch date at Noodles and Co. He looked so very grown up sitting across the table from me and it was a good reminder to me to savor these moments.  After lunch, we went to Caribou and walked out hand in hand with my coffee and his "foo-vee" (smoothie) and got in the car for the drive home. It was such a wonderful day, he kept telling me "Mommy, you're my best friend, I love you!"  No sooner did we get on the road, and Jonah's eyes were rolling. It was nearing nap time and I knew he wouldn't make it home awake.  In about 5 minutes he was sleeping.  I was thinking to myself how different the day would've been if Josiah was here and was thinking about what he'd look like now at almost 6 months old. I was thanking God for Jonah... then it happened. I looked in the mirror to see Jonah's sweetly sleeping face and instead....  I saw his brother.  Whatever breath I had in me was pushed out of my body and I had to pull over just to stare at his sweet face. Then tears... tears started flowing as I thanked God for allowing me to look at Jonah in this way. In a way that at 3 years old, while sleeping he still had a sweet innocent round face that looked like his newborn brother, and in the same way that I'll always remember Josiah.  I can take comfort in knowing that Josiah probably would've grown up to look like his big brother.  It's a moment in time that I'll forever remember and be thankful for. A moment that taught me, God hears my prayers, He knows my struggles and in the right moments... He'll give me what I need.

Here is our sweet Jonah at 6 months old. Remembering
how fun this age was brings both joy and pain. But I
can look at this picture knowing that Josiah would
probably look so very similar, and that today Jesus is
probably kissing a face almost identical to this. 

The song "Trust in You" by Lauren Daigle has really become my anthem. I can't tell you how many times, if I feel my self becoming anxious about a situation and I pray... I hear this song in my head.  I need to remember God is in control, and I need to just TRUST.   In the changing times, I'm trying hard to remember God is my constant. When I can't make sense of how fast life is moving around me, I can close my eyes breathe in the sweet name of Jesus and remember I'm not going any place He hasn't been.