Joy is Coming...

"You have cancer."  Three words you  hope you never hear from your doctor. Dan heard those words while watching the kids and I at the pool 4 days after his surgery. The word cancer seems to have so much negative power. It knocked the words right out of Dan, and we all know that's a hard thing to do. Dan's pathology report revealed that his 4 "nodules" were in fact a multinodular papillary carcinoma. Thyroid Cancer. To be completely honest with all of you following along on our journey, I had a gut feeling that he had cancer the entire time. That's why I found the song "Giant's Fall" to be so comforting, I knew we were about to face the Cancer Giant. So, after more tests, scans and visits to an Endocrinologist and an Oncologist here we sit, feeling so very thankful that one of Dan's students had the curiosity and courage to ask about the lump he saw on Dan's neck. We have been told that Papillary Carcinoma is one of the "be

Many of you have known that I knew our third child was going to be a boy long before we were even pregnant, and I'm so excited to finally share with you how he got his name. The story is a little, long, but I promise it's worth it. After we lost Josiah, we were in a whirl wind of emotions. We had so many questions. It's amazing actually to look back and see God's hand at work in our story. I was adamant on having a VBAC with Josiah. I mean seriously, adamant. There was a day shortly after we came home from the hospital we were sitting on the deck talking with our parents about "why". Why did this happen? Why didn't we have a cause? I finally let it out, "Why did I want to have a VBAC so badly? If I'd only had a c section would Josiah be here with us?" Then my mom said something that I can still hear so clearly today, "Amanda, don't you think that no matter how you had Josiah, this was God's plan?" I could immediately fee

There have been so many emotions since we found out we were expecting our third child. It's so hard to even explain to someone who hasn't experienced pregnancy after losing a child at full term with an uncomplicated pregnancy . There have been feelings of sheer panic, fear, doubt and worry. Every doctor's appointment brings back memories, and each time we have to wait to hear baby's heartbeat stops ours for those moments.  Mostly, though we've been filled with joy and the peace that surpasses all understanding.  Our peace is in knowing that God is in control. We also have felt the prayers that many of you have told us you're praying!  We feel blessed to know that God has given us another child and we will lovingly accept for however long He chooses. Though we are fervently praying for a healthy child, born screaming and that we'll be able to bring this baby home!  Our 20 week ultrasound was no exception to the nerves, only this time we brought Jonah alo

I love Christmas. I always have. There is something so magical about the season when people are a little bit happier, a little bit nicer,  and you can feel Christ's love all around. I still really love Christmas, but this year it's just not the same. This year, we were going to have 2 little boys here with us, and it's hard to not think about that while preparing for Christmas. Some of you may remember this summer, I wrote a post on our GoFundMe site about being thankful that I didn't order a stocking for Josiah, so I wouldn't have to hang an empty stocking at Christmas. But, the more I thought about it, I didn't want to just breeze over Christmas without even acknowledging our sweet angel, so I did it. I ordered a stocking for Josiah and hung it right up on the mantel with the others. And you know what? There's something fulfilling about seeing his stocking up with ours. While I'm heartbroken that we don't get to experience this Christmas with Jo

I know... it's been over a month since I've posted anything. Trust me, it's not because I'm not thinking about it... I have about 5 more titles drafted in my dashboard. I just need to be in the right mindset to write and if I am, I need to find enough time to get my thoughts out.  But today, November 19th marks 6 months since we got to hold Josiah, kiss him and tell him we loved him. Half a year. How is that possible? When you experience the the deep loss of a child, time seems to stand still where you are... but somehow the world around you continues to press on at high speeds. If Josiah were here, I'm sure I'd be saying something similar, like... time slow down. He'd likely be sitting up and smiling at his big brother, talking that adorable baby speak that only they would understand. I'd be busy making baby food in preparation of him eating his first "real" meal.  Instead, we finally folded up the high chair that Jonah has sat in and put

My Dear Friends, I’m writing because, first of all I find writing to be therapeutic, and secondly because I know that everyone is wondering how I’m doing, but are just not sure how or when to ask. I can see the questions burning in some of your eyes, but the fear on your face tells me you don't want to cause more pain. I don't know how often I'll update, but I have a few topics I want to have documented, even if no one reads them but me. People are always asking, “So, how are you?” The truth is, there are good days and there are bad days. But mostly, there are mixtures of good days filled with painful moments and those moments can come unexpectedly. When you go through a tragedy you don’t know how you’re going to react, and then adapt to it. People always say “you’re so strong, I could never do what you’re doing.” You know what? I didn’t know this is how I’d handle it either. You never know how you’re going to handle a situation until you’re faced with it. But God p